Monday, February 11, 2013
Unhappiness Is A Bitch.
Me: God I feel like crap.
Unhappiness: Yep. And you look like it too.
Me: Why can't I just stay on top of this?
Unhappiness: Because you suck and you're a failure.
Me: Why does it seem that normal people can manage their eating and weight just fine, while I fail miserably?
Unhappiness: Because you're abnormal.
Unhappiness: You're fat and you can't do anything about it. You're increasingly round and booths seem too small. I will suck all the energy and life out of you. And there is nothing you can do about it.
Unhappiness is a Bitch. Seriously, this is what my inner dialogue sounds like, and I doubt I'm alone. A friend once asked me, if the thoughts that go through your head came out of a real person, would you be friends with her? Hell no, she's a bitch!
I do struggle with my ass. Not just the struggle of getting rid of it, I struggle with it's existence. I struggle with my own existence. I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but I see the appeal. I wish I could just end here and start life over. I wish I could do things differently. I wish I had learned as a child the things I know now. I struggle with my ass and it's not because I don't know how to get rid of it, in theory. It's because I don't feel emotionally equipped to juggle everything. I feel like I'm incapable of working full time, keeping my house clean, maintaining relationships, as well as eat healthy and exercise. It's entirely overwhelming to me. I'm exhausted as it is. I struggle with working 40 hours a week and going home just to do my dishes. I feel so alone in feeling this way. How do people do it?